he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize