Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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