Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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