erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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