I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
