Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
dude i'm inner monologue high
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
