his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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