and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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