my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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