Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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