i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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