he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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