wrigley field is MILF paradise
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
