i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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