before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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