508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
