they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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