I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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