opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
