I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
