The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
