shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
