Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
