Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
