First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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