Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
