someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
