so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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