When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
whose ass print is on the piano?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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