Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
