Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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