im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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