why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize