you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
As shirtless as possible
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
