shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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