you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
