I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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