It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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