Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
