Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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