He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
