I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
