Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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