I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
