Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize