Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize