Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
