Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
