i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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