had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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