Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
