when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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