I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
