If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
