I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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