i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
