nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
