chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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