I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize