Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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