Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize