I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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