Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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