so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
